I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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