i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
