i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
