Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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