Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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