I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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