A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
