My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize