If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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