Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
