Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
