a queef is a wish your heart makes.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
