Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
