i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize