Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
