Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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