Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
