Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
