i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
