Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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