I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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