I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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