you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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