Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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