like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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