so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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