I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
