Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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