I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
