I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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