Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
