I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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