I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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