My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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