mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
