I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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