I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
