she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
