Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
