I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
