I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
