yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
