in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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