You're my little dorito
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
