You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
