No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
