I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
