saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Everything about him screamed your future.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
