woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
