I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
