I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
