I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
