I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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