DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
