i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
