Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
