Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
