Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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