The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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