So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am midnight drunk by noon
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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