Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sober January is a disaster.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
