our cab driver is having phone sex.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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